


Bravest Fear

by gamerfic



Series: In Sleep [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Dreamsharing, F/M, Foreshadowing, Here Lies the Abyss, Lucid Dreaming, Missing Scene, POV First Person, The Fade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3522491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/pseuds/gamerfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Solas learned a lot from physically entering the Fade. Lavellan learned a few things about Solas from it, too. (A response to canon's perplexing lack of any scene in which the Inquisitor talks to anyone at all about the Nightmare's taunts or about what was written on the tombstones in the Fade.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bravest Fear

The Fade was the last place I wanted to go back to after everything that had happened at Adamant Fortress, so I should have known that I would inevitably end up there before very long. In fact, as soon as I fell asleep the night after the Inquisition stormed the fortress, I dreamed of the battlements. Demons overran Cullen's troops, possessed Wardens screamed in incoherent rage as they charged, and Corypheus's dragon strafed us all with fire from above. The rift that had led me into the Raw Fade yawned open in front of me and the flagstones beneath my feet began to crumble and I knew that I would soon meet the Nightmare again, and that this time there would be no escape.

"No."

Solas's voice was barely audible above the din of battle. Yet it still cut through everything, as if its softness made it somehow more commanding. Everything froze around us - a Warden's blade paused halfway to slicing my torso, the dragon caught mid-roar. I turned to see Solas standing only inches behind me. His eyes were sad and tired. He rested his hands gently on my shoulders and said, "Don't do this to yourself, _vhenan._ Take us somewhere different."

"Solas." I reached out for him and buried my face in his chest, letting him hold me while I drew in deep shuddering breaths and fought for calm. _You're dreaming_ , I reminded myself. _Only your mind is in the Fade, not your body. Solas is here with you now. Let him help you like he did before._

Eventually I became aware that the scene had shifted and that we were now lying together on a soft, canopied bed. I lifted my head and took in our new surroundings - an unfamiliar bedchamber with architecture like I'd seen at Adamant, all rough dark stone and sharp edges and torches burning low in the wall sconces. Spiders spun thick webs in the corners. I also realized that I was now naked, although Solas had retained his own clothes. "How romantic," I muttered, wrapping myself up in the bed's tattered coverlet.

"Whose dream do you think we're in?" he said, a hint of amusement creeping into his tone. "I can hardly be held responsible for what goes on inside your mind."

 _Of course. This_ is _my dream. I told him before that he was always welcome here, and he must have taken my offer._ "I see. You're reinforcing those spells you cast earlier to keep me from having nightmares. How did you know this would happen?"

"An educated guess, based on what I know of you. Also, I suspect that for most everyone in the Inquisition, the events of the day will be reflected in their experiences of the Fade for quite some time to come."

"You're right." I pulled my blanket tighter around me, as if it could keep out the sudden, intrusive memories that flooded back in - the Nightmare, Hawke's sacrifice, Alistair and the surviving Wardens marching away into the desert as I watched them vanish over the horizon and wondered whether I had done the right thing. "I liked this dream better when I thought it was about you mentally undressing me."

Solas chuckled. "You already know that your own dreams are yours to command now."

"Tempting. But I think I've had enough adventures in the Fade for the time being."

" _Ma nuvenin._ But I'm glad you said 'for the time being' rather than 'forever.' There's so much more I want to show you." He rolled onto his side to face me. His fingertips skimmed the lines of my _vallaslin_ , and I shivered. " _Ma serannas._ "

"For what?"

"For trusting me enough to have me at your side today. To walk physically within the Fade...I never imagined it could be possible in our current Age, let alone that I would ever accomplish it. I only wish we'd had more time to explore it. As it is, I can hardly believe how much I learned from the experience. No matter what comes, I will never forget what we have shared."

"You sound like you're about to follow that up with 'you're a perfectly sweet girl, but you can't possibly compare to the Raw Fade' and then vanish."

The ghost of a smile crossed his lips. "And _you_ sound like you're telling jokes again to cope with the things that you fear."

"Point taken." I reached up to cover his hand with my own.

" _Ir abelas._ I don't mean to add to your worries. The greater the threats we encounter, the more the thought of losing you frightens me. I had forgotten what it was like to care so deeply for someone. I don't always express it well."

"Next time you could try ' _Ar lath ma_.' Just a suggestion."

"I was never one to do anything the easy way."

He kissed me then, and I sank down against him and let him hold me once more. I closed my eyes and felt bone-deep weariness settling over me - _it hardly seems fair_ , I thought, _to still feel exhausted even in my dreams._ But what he'd said about being frightened had brought an unavoidable reminder of the Raw Fade to the forefront of my thoughts. I didn't want to let the question it had raised go unanswered any longer. "Solas?"

"Hmm?" he replied, sounding half-asleep himself.

"What did the Nightmare say to you in the Fade?"

"You couldn't understand it?" he asked, suddenly much more alert.

"It used your dialect, not mine, remember?" We had discovered some time ago that the version of Elvhen used in Solas's village was so different from Clan Lavellan's that I only understood one word in five of it on a good day - and today had been far from a good day. "I only knew that it was speaking to you. I heard it say your name."

"Yes, I suppose you did." He spoke slowly and deliberately now, choosing each word with great effort and care.

"You don't have to tell me what it said if you don't want to. I only wondered if talking about it might help."

"It's true that some fears lose their power when spoken of freely." I felt his fingers threading through my hair, but when I opened my eyes again I saw that he could not meet my gaze. "Others do not. This one is the latter. But I will tell you it was similar enough to what was said to you - that my efforts were wasted, that I had already failed in what I hoped to achieve. Empty bluster, in the end. We prevailed."

He wanted so badly to believe what he was saying that I almost didn't tell him the rest of what I knew - until I realized I might not get a better chance than this. "But there's more to it than that, isn't there?"

I felt him pull away from me, his whole body going rigid and tense. "Tell me what you know." His voice was low and strained, with something almost menacing barely concealed beneath the curiosity he tried to project in those words. _If I had known he would react like this..._

But it was too late to stop now. "I saw something in the Fade. I don't think anyone else noticed it, or maybe they did and they just don't want to talk about it. It was a graveyard. The names on the headstones belonged to people from the Inquisition. I saw the names of people I care about, and their fears." He still couldn't or wouldn't look me in the eye, so I stared at the side of his expressionless face. "Yours said 'dying alone.'"

Some of the tension left him then, as if speaking the words had dispelled whatever he feared after all. "And what more is there to say about that?" he asked, sounding strangely relieved. "It's not a subject I should think anyone wants to dwell upon."

"Of course not. But it isn't something I can just forget, either." 

"It would be better if you did. That fear...it isn't rational. Not worthy of consideration. You have much greater concerns than my own private foolishness."

"Knowing that something is irrational doesn't necessarily make it not real, Solas. What I'd rather know is if this is the kind of fear that loses its power when it stops being a secret. Because I think it might be."

"Meaning?" he asked, in a tone caught between curiosity and caution.

"Meaning I have reason to believe that you don't need to fear dying alone anymore."

He shook his head. "There is so much you don't know, _vhenan_."

"I could say the same to you." I touched his arm and waited in silence until at long last he turned to look at me again. " _Ma sa'lath, ane tel'u."_

An ancient pain was etched in the lines around his mouth, deeper than anything I could soothe. "That isn't true."

"And yet here I am." He hadn't looked away this time and so I kept speaking, letting words tumble out of me before I could stop myself from saying them. "You always think you know exactly how everything is going to turn out, but you _can't_ know that, Solas, not for certain. Whatever awful fate you're imagining for yourself at the end of all of this, we _will_ change it. Together. So you're not going to die alone because I'm not going to leave you. I pr-"

"Do not make me that promise." There was no anger in his voice, only a weary certainty that made unshed tears prickle at the corners of my eyes. "I will not have you break it."

"And what would the point be of making a promise if I knew it would be easy to keep? Seems kind of pointless if you ask me."

Solas's expression softened. I could tell that he was still holding me at arm's length, not yet truly accepting my vows as I had foolishly wished he might - but at least he was thinking again, no longer trapped in the only possible future that his fears had imposed upon him. Perhaps that was all I could have hoped for from the start. "Something that I love about you, _ma vhenan_ ," he said, "is that you don't believe in doing things the easy way either." He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. "Your wisdom puts mine to shame, as I've come to expect. But I still will not have you promise me that. Not now. Not yet."

"Then at least let me promise you this much." I pushed myself up with my free hand and leaned over him, looking down into his sad and beautiful face. "Not 'forever,' but 'for now.' You're right - there's a lot I don't know. But I know that as long as Corypheus is still out there, neither one of us is going anywhere. And for as long as this fight lasts, I promise I am with you to the end."

"You honor me," he said, and nothing more. It didn't matter. He was worth waiting for.

"I'm only telling the truth. I'm with you. Let me prove it." I lowered my head, kissed him on his brow, and whispered, "Wake up." The dream dissolved us and I pulled him up behind me through all the layers of sleep, into the dark uncertainty of the waking world that awaited us.

We lay together in a tent hastily erected beneath the clear, frigid night skies of the Western Approach. The air smelled of signal fires and tasted of the ceaselessly blowing sand that got into everything no matter what anyone did. The chill of the dark desert bit into any skin that my covers left exposed, but between the furs of my bedroll I was safe and warm - and so was Solas. We had fallen asleep tangled up in each other's bodies, and now I had woken him to discover that we were still entwined. A sleepy smile spread across his face as he realized what I'd done, and he bent his mouth to meet mine. He was right that I couldn't know what would happen to us in the days to come - but none of that stopped me from wanting to promise him everything he wouldn't let me say, and more. But I put those dreams out of my mind and lost myself in our deepening kiss. For now, if not forever, this would have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> "Ane tel'u" is my attempt at rendering "You are not alone" in Elvhen. If anybody has a better idea for how to express this, I welcome your suggestions. [Katie's Best-Guess-at-Elvhen Dictionary](http://archiveofourown.org/works/359253), [the "elven language" page of the Dragon Age fan wiki](http://dragonage.wikia.com/wiki/Elven_language), and FenxShiral's [non-canonical, extremely impressive efforts at filling in the various gaps in Elvhen](http://archiveofourown.org/series/229061) were all invaluable resources for trying to figure out this and the rest of the Elvhen phrases I use in this series.
> 
> Story title taken from [the song of the same name by Rachael Sage.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km2z8P6s0vw)


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